and all the things that don't get old

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 21:10:01 GMT

I miss this feeling I had in high school. This feeling of hopelessness. I felt like a walking, breathing train wreck that no one would ever put in the time to clean up. My current social life is staggering, off the charts, just completely opposite to what it was three years ago.
That said, I keep coming back to AP. He was the high school crush that defined all crushes. He was the only person who made me feel hopeful. He made me feel comfortable with who I was. To this very day, I miss him. So much. Sure, I have a boyfriend now, people like me, blah blah blah, but there is this void. This feeling always returns in the fall. Always. It's sick and twisted and weird and I don't know what to do.
I just want to go home. It gives me some sort of sense of sanity.

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 02:21:28 GMT

I woke up in a hospital bed this morning. I drank so much alcohol that I couldn't move, respond, anything. I was foaming at the mouth. My boyfriend saved my life. He called the paramedics. He had to break into my apartment. An ambulance came. I woke up and heard doctors talking about me as they walked by. I knew what I had done to myself. There was an IV in my arm. I cried for a while. I told the nurse I was a statistic. She wasn't nice to me about it. I stumbled out of the hospital around 10 am. Cried some more, had some coffee with Matt. He is truly amazing and great to me. Why would a person want to date such a wreck? I am embarrassed of myself.

I really hope the medical bill isn't huge. I've never been in an ambulance before last night. Wish I could remember it.

The abuse needs to stop. Colossal is an amazing band.

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 05:15:00 GMT

The Starting Line does this to me all the time. Makes me miss shit. Makes me want things I don't actually want. I don't understand myself at all. I am obsessed with everything that I feel the need to be. But not on purpose. Yeesh. This lady needs sleep.
"The Drama Summer" by the Starting Line. the live version.
I suck.

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 00:26:27 GMT

The summer drags on, the atmosphere refuses to cool down in it's respective manner, it is infuriating me, and I am stuck reading this textbook I don't really want to read. The thought of 2008 is too close for comfort. These things that have been given to me to make me "well". I don't feel any different. Not that that's a bad thing, I'd like to think that I've been doing pretty well. Sunny Day Real Estate has crept their way into my daily rotation. They are playing this Wednesday at First Ave and I cannot go and I am truly saddened by this. They feel like this band that constantly reminds me of something, but I have no idea what. Weird autumn, late winter, dreadful beautiful grey overhanging hooded heads with after taste of cheap coffee, yearning for a more massive feeling. something like that. Yeah.

I miss Connecticut, last fall, and the challenge of trying to get you to like me back. Don't know why.

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 01:42:28 GMT

this guilt keeps racking. it's unbearable. all for some human who broke my heart several times in an indirect way. can't get you off my mind when I should have someone else on the noggin. I truly am an idiot.

I don't understand the emoticon for "nostalgic". why is he wearing a cowboy hat? was he once a cowboy or part of a gang? livejournal. you're weird.

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 03:30:50 GMT

so I'm sitting in this room, this classroom. it's late August. School has only started three days prior. The last time I was in this room was in May. I broke my arm the weekend before. I was wearing a skirt, my arm wrapped in a splint. I am in massive amounts of pain. I am watching other classmates present their half-assed attempts at art. I am watching you. I am so nervous. Days later you graduate. A tell tale sign that you will no longer be in my life. Jump back to today. I'm sitting in this god damn room and I can't stop thinking about how we were both in this classroom together and how much I couldn't stop thinking about you then. I catch myself thinking about you and get mad because I don't want to think about you, I have a boyfriend, a nice respectful boyfriend, but fucking shit, I am still thinking about you. You refuse to get out of my head, like all the other pathetic crushes I've had since age 16. Why can't you just leave? What's wrong with me? I was convinced I was over you, but clearly there is something not smoothing over.

what the fuck.

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 17:40:12 GMT

I still cannot grasp the fact that someone could actually genuinely like me for who I am. That is the case right now. I would never want to like a person like me. I drink far too much and need to be alone a large chunk of my days. The loner personality, as a horoscope book once said. This dude is awesome. He's so sweet and just really nice to me, and I've never gotten that from anyone. After what I experienced with the last dude, it's so weird not to be ignored or shunned. I don't know. It's certainly something I need to get used to. On that note, I'm listening to I Am The Movie. I always listened to this record often in times of desperation or sadness, and to hear it now makes me feel like a loser for who I was before I met Matthew (my boy). There is the constant doubting. Am I really about to do this? Is this really happening? Is this all a joke? I'm about as decisive as a mother choosing between her children.
I need diet coke. Yeesh.

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 02:48:00 GMT

I feel like anytime I write in here it's due to misery. I have to find a new place to live in a matter of weeks and it blows, because I love my current living situation and my room mate, and the only reason why I have to move is because my room mate can't afford it. Balls balls balls.
Man. The dude has been eradicated, only to be replaced by another I met at the Twin Cities Zinefest. He sent me an email after the first day and we started exchanging musical geekage. He loves a lot of the same bands I do, and now he's making me a mixtape. Rad, right? I'm excited. The only one little problem is that - no joke - he looks EXACTLY like the last dude. So fucked up. One of my friends was like "you gotta stop liking the same guys". Haha. I can't help it! I'm sorry!
I praaaay I can find a place to live by the end of this month. If not, I am so royally fucked. Errghh.

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 02:58:07 GMT

in midst of the dude eradication process, the motherfucker keeps making appearances in the already cryptic dreams I am having. It is annoying. It's only annoying because I wake up and it all seemed so real in my head. In a three hour nap I somehow got a full REM cycle- I had two or three dreams and he was in all of them. One of them being him being very attentive to my existence, constantly acknowledging me and making sure I was comfortable- something he has never done in real life. I guess this is because before my awesome nap I saw him and he said hi to me and I responded with a shaky wave. He would usually ignore me. He was with one of his friends.
I feel so dumb about this situation. It has gone on for so long, and I know he doesn't like me and he never will, and it took me a long ass time to figure it out, but I feel like this is never ever going to end, ever.

Yesterday was hell. I lay in bed for hours. I am feeling the woes of unemployment, I can't find a job anywhere, and I have absolutely no motivation to exist anymore. It has never rung this strongly in my head before. It is haunting. I want live, but at the same time I think it would be so much easier to slowly withdraw and eventually disappear. I drink every day. It's the only thing I know how to do. I have a very sad existence. I just want to be of use to something or someone, and right now I can't think of anything.

Barf.

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 01:20:00 GMT

I am sweating. My rented room is the sweatiest sweatshop this fine city has to offer. Holy hell. I forgot how much I don't like heat. I returned from a European journey a few days ago, where the temperature was pleasant, constantly. I shouldn't have taken it for granted. I think I've been sweating the entire day. Let's talk more about how sweaty I am. I will soon retreat to the cool confines of my school's cafeteria, where I not only get free internet, but free air conditioning. My hair curls with rage in the humid heat. I am listening to Jacques Brel, Belgium's own star. Makes me miss the vlakkeland. I cannot wait for autumn. Holy shit. This is going to be the longest summer of all time. I need a job. I currently drink jack and coke. It is nice. Tomorrow I get the cast on my right arm sawed off. FINALLY. It is hot and sweaty, always. barf. New goal: not talk to the dude Ive pined over in here. I finally realized he is a jerk and I cannot waste my time with this flowery bullshit. I am stupid. So stupid. We all make mistakes. Something like that. A whole new world? Whatever. Etta James is the ultimate queen of misery. Love that woman like I love...sauce. Later skaters.

color me crazy.

Sat, 23 May 2009 06:19:30 GMT

we were both so nervous. SO NERVOUS. it was absolutely ridiculous. we went into Kowalskis. that was the point of the trip. he apparently needed Lemonade. we drove around after that and he wouldn't stop talking. I responded with limited and shaky words. his nervousness was adorable. Mine was not. I was falling over every syllable, I haven't been that nervous in a very long time. we finally parked outside his house and sat out there for maybe an hour, just talking about the people we know. Some Latterman album was on repeat, we probably listened to it twice. At 4 in the morning we snuck back into my room. I was scared. I didn't want my room mate to hear us. Once our bodies hit the foam, it was over. It was almost miraculous. Both of us just pinnacled. It was the first time there was a specific spark after our five or six previous attempts. he left when it was getting light outside.

There was something very different about this occurrence, and I don't know what. Maybe it was my new room. Maybe it was the absolute suspense and delay that our flirtations led up to.

"I like you anyway you wanna be"

Maritime is so good to me right now.

Wed, 13 May 2009 09:47:58 GMT

everything is so weird right now. I spent an evening with a supposed gay man, but I may have turned him straight? or was he always straight? I feel so weird. the next day while at a friends house, I was super bummed. hooking up with people in general is one of the most terrible things in the world. it's fun while it happens, but afterwards you feel so used and dirty and just like an awful person. that's how it is for me in some cases. this one in particular though. got me in a serious funk. while at said friends house, she picked up on my incredibly lack of enthusiasm and negativity, and put on I Am The Movie. When Indoor Living came on, I just wanted to cry and cry and cry, but luckily I swerved off that road. I love that song, & that record so much. and to have it effect me in such a way when around other people is massive. it's never really happened before. it's just this high school thing that never really went away. Motion City Soundtrack filled the people void when I was a teenager. I didn't have boys chasing after me, I just existed in this world of me and my stack of CD's. it's still kind of like that, and i don't really have a problem with it. it is the most trustworthy aspect of my daily living. if that makes any sense. I don't know where this is going, but it's god damn late and I'm gonna go fix myself another night cap. cripes. it's 2007 all over again.
I am so fearful for something. I fear that I will never feel love for anyone, because of my stubborness, my lack of confidence, my disability to get outside my own wants.

"I'm so full of love it deeply sickens me".

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 05:10:49 GMT

ever have one of those days where everything goes okay until one little thing just ruins everything? totally just happened. totally in an awful funk. I was doing well; was working on this illustration I'm excited about, and now, I just feel dumb and angry. And I'm posting about it here. Stupid stupid stupid. Tom Waits is temporarily softening the jabs. I think I'll return to my rented room soon and watch Bukowski: Born Into This. It's a great documentary, if you haven't seen it and/or are curious about Charles Bukowski. It's incredibly sad, but genuine. I can only think about Antarctica. I hope to go there someday...or Iceland. Whatever. I'm getting out of hand. Later.

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 06:12:54 GMT

I totally had a Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen movie moment today. Like, It Takes Two, Passport to Paris, Billboard Dad all mashed somehow into one. I was walking to my school's printing room, and the entrance is a door surrounded by glass, so you can see in and out this room. As I was entering I saw two dudes: one dude being former love interest, and his friend, who saw me in the liquor store a few weeks ago and told said love interest (both of them are 21+). I did one of those like, stop, stare, drop, run away things in front of the glass, and I am praying neither of them saw me have this total Hollywood moment. Many inhalations.
Later.

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 22:55:45 GMT

Just found this on my computer, don't remember writing it. Probably around the time of that last entry I posted. "Enjoy" (???).

I am drunk. Nothing new, really. I am listening to I Am The Movie. In the future, I would like to invest in a record player and get that album on vinyl. Mm, mm, mmm. Inspired by the endeavors of lost 20-something year olds on tour in the year 2001. What. The. Fuck. Bless the internet archives. The people around me don't inspire me that much. It's the music I listen to. The people involved with that music. What they're inspired by. Memories. History. The future is not inspiring, because we don't know what will come of it.
Earlier this evening I was struck with an overhwhelming itchiness on my legs. I was certain it was an allergic reaction to...something. I don't know what. It has since gone away, but at the time, I could not stop scratching my legs.
NOW, I'm listening to "LG Fuad" and it's just so weird how true this song has held since I first heard it...when I was 16. Now I'm 20. It's just so weird how music can stay so true. That's one of the reasons why I love it so much. It's timeless.

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 04:23:39 GMT

I fucking love how music hits me. It can completely flip my moods. I love that. I love that I can love something honest and true. I saw Farewell Continental play tonight and they were so god damn excellent. I am full of swear words, sorry. Super tight, sound was great, I bought their LP. Makes me so excited for their next LP, along with new MCS material. So exciting. If there's one thing I can always rely on, it's music. It's always there. I spoke to Justin Pierre after the show, and he was so enthusiastic and we talked about records and it was so great. It's so inspiring to talk to someone who I've looked up to for years as a writer and a creative individual.

Life is exciting again.

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 21:12:52 GMT

So I'm listening to this AOL session live version of the Starting Line's "The Night Life" and it's making me so incredibly sad about my prospective birthday and the future and everything. So melodramatic, I know. Yeeesh. I went to this fun, but kind of lame party last night. Nothing crazy happened, everyone was in a good drunken state. Nothing bad happened. It was just when I woke up, I felt so incredibly depressed. We're all still so young and what we consider fun is so pathetic and empty. For the past month, I had this sort of weird relationship established with the guy I always pined about in here, but there is absolutely no substance in what we did/we're doing. He would come over late at night and we would fool around. And that's it. I'm not seeking a relationship of any kind, I'm perfectly content with being single, but you would think after several evenings with a person you would have established something. Of course my feelings for him multiplied. It's only natural. He doesn't give a shit about me, and I knew this from the first time he came over. To steal a line from Jack Kerouac/The Hold Steady: "boys and girls in America, they have such a sad time together". It's so true, I can't even believe it.

It doesn't help that my best friend was stuck at the Minneapolis airport for a layover last night. That's the nearest she's been to me since August of last year.

I have printing to do. Apologies for complaining. There's nothing worse than whiny blogs.

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 02:56:35 GMT

according to a year ago, these were my interests:

music, art, musical art? going to shows, diet soda, winter, weather forecasts, pens, indoor living, personal definitions of the color grey, the upper midwest, my cave, words, notebooks, documentation, winter, the 90's, Justin Pierre blogs, hobo gloves, and the corner of Nicollet and Franklin.

funny funny funny.

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 02:43:04 GMT

So I just watched Barack and Michelle Obama dancing to Beyonce Knowles version of Etta James' "At Last", and holy fucking shit, my heart started weighing as much as the Titanic. So beautiful. I guess it's funny, the first month of 2009 isn't even over and so many great things have happened. I got to spend an evening with a dude I've been pining over for the last year (sad, I know, but still, aweeeesome). It was totally random but so fucking incredible. I wont go into detail, but it was easily one of the most romantic and gentle evenings I've ever spent with a dude, if that makes any sense. It was so good, I get all nervous when I think about it. To top all this shit off, Obama is our fucking president and it's so incredible to know that our generation has learned something from the past and that we CAN make change happen, if we work together. Cheesy, I know, but so true.

I'm excited for the future. Yes, 2009. I'm smiling like a motherfucker right now, I wish you could see.

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 20:15:21 GMT

This Friday I'm going to see one of my former best friends from early adolescence and I am every kind of excited and nervous. I feel like once I see him it'll be 2001 all over again. My 12 year old heart pittering and pattering against my ribs. Hahaha. I find this funny. When I start to think about shit like this, I get so bummed. I wish all my friends lived in one place so I wouldn't be so torn between inches on a map. It's frustrating. Especially when there are more friends in one place than the other.

All the horoscopes are demanding that I'm looking for massive changes, and I couldn't agree more. I'm scared that when I get back to Minneapolis next week, I'm going to be right back at square one when it comes to feeling about a certain someone. It's driving me nuts, I hate knowing that I'm hung up on someone. I need to be one of those people that...you know, moves on. Hahaha. I dwell. It's weird though, I feel positive about the future, and I really hope it sticks around. I like feeling good about shit. A year ago was a total wreck and I would never want to visit it again.

Jack's Mannequin does this to me. Everything In Transit, not the Glass Passenger, because that record was kind of a let down.

Amen.

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 11:01:55 GMT

You know there are massive problems when you start having dreams about logos, process books, and graphic design.

I can't wait to go back to Minneapolis, Belgium is driving me into a wall.

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 00:24:37 GMT

Happy Thanksgiving. Shanksgiving. Shank. You. In the face. Whatever.
I'm currently in my cold room in Minneapolis, sippin' diet coke and attempting the first stretch of the mountain of homework I've been assigned. I can't concentrate. I just had a Polish style thanksgiving with a friend and one of her friends from Portland/Iowa. Nice dude. Funny stories. I had kielbasa and sauerkraut and weird meatloaf from Trader Joe's. Fucking weird, but delicious.
School is fine. Socially, there is no let up in sight for any kind of love life. "Crayon man" has stopped talking to me. I don't know what I did. I'm trying to move on (but, as always, failing miserably). It's kind of his fault though! There was a stretch of time where we seriously talked every day, then all of a sudden it just...stopped. He was playing around with my brain like it was a nerf football, or something. Gah. Whatever. I just sound dumb now.
Last night was the first night in a really really long time where I didn't drink anything. I woke up clear headed. It felt odd.
Dumb dumb dumb. I want to get trashed. Maybe I will. Just maybe.

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 02:23:52 GMT

Did you know there is an entire wikipedia page dedicated to "unrequited love"? Can you believe that? I was clicking around and found it. This all stems from searching "nervousness", because I am so fucking nervous all the time, its gotten to the point where I can't walk down the hallway without pretending to be occupied with my phone. Any eye contact with anyone makes my brain explode. I can't deal, for some reason. I want to know where this is coming from. Terrified of every corner I turn.

Let me tell you what just happened.

I was walking to the bathroom, which is sort of at the end of this long passageway. Right before you get to the bathrooms, there is big nook with a round table, placed there for conferences or meetings for whoever feels the need to the be there. So, I'm walking to the bathroom and there is mass of humans sitting at this table, and one of them is talking, and I'm like "shit, oh god, I'm totally ruining whatever point this person is making, by strolling into this completely quiet, uninterrupted meeting. I ruin everything". My shoes are deteriorating, so every step I take has a small, loud slap against the ground. So, I walk by, -slap, slap, slap- (WHICH, I know I mentioned in a previous entry, it annoys me to no end. I know. I know.), and this entire group of people are burning holes into me. I have ruined everything. I pace myself in a non-obvious way, and practically long-jump into the women's bathroom. No one is in there, thankfully. The first stall's door is shut. This freaks me out. No one is in there though, like I said. So I go to the third stall, but then I jump back to the second, then to the first, then the third, and I don't know know what the fuck I'm doing, just jumping between these stalls. I finally settle on the second. It took me maybe, 30-45 seconds to choose a stall in a bathroom with no one in there. When I got done, I was dreading stepping out the door. And what do you know, as I powerwalk past this awkward conference, I pull out my phone. Bless technology, right? My eyes don't have to meet anyone elses. My heart is going nuts right now. Jitters to no end. I feel a little better.

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 22:27:26 GMT

I'm listening to Slayer. Fuck yes.

My entire body aches. Head to toe. But you know, it feels kind of nice? Makes me feel human, or something. My muscles feel heavy. There is this girl that keeps walking behind me, and it's driving me fucking insane. You doesn't lift up her feet when she walks, so there's that loooong drag. Her stupid little cutesy slip-on's, ca-shling, ca-shling, ca-shling. I love people. Can you tell?

I wish all the people I live, or have lived with didn't SUCK SO MUCH. Gaaawwwd. Toilet paper backwards. Doesn't take out the trash. Doesn't clean anything. Steals my good cooking pan that my mom gave me which, SHE had when she was MY age. And believe me, that was a long fucking time ago. She gave the pan to her stupid anime friend. So full of rage. God bless Slayer.

But, even still full of rage, I'm bummed. I wish I didn't have to rely on alcohol to just...exist? cope? Something like that. I don't know. Went nuts last night, went off the deep end, you know? Don't remember anything past 1 am. It worries me. I woke up with bruises everywhere. When shit like that happens, I never want to drink again. I need to learn how to deal with mediocrity.

I just spent the last half hour trying to cheer up my boy, which, my best friend and I have given the nickname, "Crayon Man". It's a long story, I won't get into it, but he's in a funk. I wish I could just dance over to his apartment and make him happy.

I wish I had my guitar here. I'm going nuts.

a ton of amazing bullshit

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 17:03:49 GMT

wow, what an extraordinary chain of events I have experienced these past few days. Before last night I was a metal wreck: contemplating all sorts of depression treatments, calling my friends, seeing what they thought: just trying to figure out shit. Then, last night, while I was doing some work in my studio, I get an IM from a kid I've been keeping my eyes on for a long time. I was feeling pretty grey: I had been all day. He told me he felt the same way. I said something along the lines of, "yeah, we're in the same boat", then completely out the blue, he says "we should just make out in this boat". Imagine me at this point, freaking out in my head. My heart maybe jump 20 times on the rate scale (was that a sentence?). But I pretended to play it cool and responded: "this can happen". We both proceeded to tell each other we were a mess of nerves, and I was scared and shaky, and he was "blushy". He then invited me over to his apartment, which I instantly accepted to do. The hour between leaving my studio and going to his place was essentially just me calling my best friend, flipping shit, trying to look a little nicer than I usually do (which is usually that of a homeless person). I drank a little to calm down, and it worked a little. I walked over and was nervous as all hell. I called him and he let me in, and holy fuck, it was awkward. Things finally smoothed over, and we seriously ended up talking for maybe 3 hours about tons of random shit: Jawbreaker, making out, our school's inner problems, social networking sites, the one time he had breakfast with a stripper (funniest shit I've heard all week), and a lot of other nonsense. It was such a good time. I feel really dumb and girly now, but whatever. He ended up having to make a cameo at some terrible party, so we walked back towards school. We parted ways with a firm hug and he said, "we should make a habit of this" and I instantly agreed. Amazing. I walked home in the clouds. Great, wonderful, superb. It took a year for this to happen.

I don't even know. I really hope this develops further. It better, god dammit. He is a beautiful human.